Why Lie.....

Perception, its a funny thing so innocent but so dangerous, capable of tricking you into destroying yourself and then defeating the greatest enemies all in the same breath. Life, is even worse although I found life is very black and white, when it rains it pours and when things are good you just cant imagine them getting any better but they do until everything falls apart and then you're screwed until the world rights itself again for whatever reason.

My head is a scary place, capable of being everything you have ever wanted, at the height of pleasure and arousal and then in one split second it is all gone and you are in the midst of either hell or nothing. I prefer the hell honestly at least I can feel something but the nothing well that's just a blanket of silence and terror that continually envelopes me. I escape for brief moments when I am distracted enough to forget the prison my mind has bound me too but there is always a moment where I stop and realize its still here and I was just pretending all along to be okay because me and my mind are at war and I am losing very quickly. 

I asked for a truce and tried to see when all this would be over and got the door of my own mind slammed in my face, I tried some medication and it kept me from hell but never affected the prison where my mind exist devoid of any emotion other than sadness and fear. I try from time to time to fix myself and there have been times I can patch it up enough to help someone in my life for a brief moment but never to much longer and then it all goes and falls back into place. I cant help but think "what if this never ends" "what if I am destine to spend the rest of my life like this?" and the echo that follows those thoughts that all but guarantees it terrifies me. 

Its is so frustrating.

Why is my own mind my enemy, taking my ability to enjoy what small things I have left in life to enjoy, taking away my ability to work and function on society like a normal human being and if I am not careful it will take my rope from me and perhaps even the ones I love. I wouldn't blame them who wants to spend an indefinite amount of time trying to love and support someone who may never get better, I myself cant even say in there shoe's I would stick around for long to help myself. 

At times like these I simply long for relief I watch and read anything that distracts me from my cell within my mind, this is the worst mental breakdown I have ever experienced in my thus far and I am not coping well. I have rope though and I hold onto the hope it can help me survive this experience until I can somewhere to get better. 

If I stop and examine my life, it gets worse, the voices speak up and remind me of how much I do wrong and fuck up or that I am not doing at all, like cleaning the house or working a job. Or being more healthy and to stop gaining weight from stress eating that never makes me feel better for more than an instant, but oh that instant its worth it. 

Anyway I am making all this worse by writing about it, I had thought it might help but alas it did not so in conclusion my dear reader I say goodbye and may your mind be kinder to you than mine is to me.