The Length of a breath

Breathing is a funny thing, you can take short quick breaths or long deep ones or even ones in between but ultimately you must breath. Now there has been a lot of upset in my life and I am hoping against the odds that life is simply tilling the ground to plant new and better things than what grew there before. My life stays in a state of constant flux, and I never feel settled, it is very stressful actually and when I get small thing figured out something else is added to my pile.

I feel like my life has taken a sharp painful breath and is holding it for a second before letting it all out and I feel that there is a direction this is all taking I just hope im taking all the right hints. I am terrified, to be honest so much has changed so quickly and it seems like so many more changes are headed my way I really just want them to be over before some real damage is done and I lose someone I love.

I don't know why but when I find something or someone or something to do that I enjoy I want to remain in that initial moment of enjoyment forever. And so when I can get a large amount of something I enjoy I do and get my fill of what makes me happy usually until I cant stand the sight of it. Its a vicious cycle but a important part of it is having surplus just in case something happens and you cant get anymore, then you will have some stored away just in case something bad happens.

Its crazy I know but its the way I am and how I get over things, sometimes but there are a few things that have stuck around my kink and fiance are the top 2 although there is a few more on the list. I would like for things to become resolved and settled, I don't care how or why just taken care of, everything is almost in limbo and its driving me crazy because I cant do anything but distract myself until something changes.

Why I need someone....

I stumbled across an article while browsing Facebook at 5am in the morning and it was titled "I'm 22, I don't want anyone to be my whole world". The article was outlining how a young 22 year old female wanted to make life changing decisions for herself alone and not have a companion for the entirety of the ride. I definitely respect her right and desicion myself however being 23 and only really having one serious relationship and it being the one I am still in have a diffrent point of view on the subject.

Now I want to begin with some more general observations and start with the most obvious, I know everyone is unique and different and some people are truly happier alone with peace and quite and that is perfectly fine. Now I personally find that when I am feeling alright I love having people around it both lifts me up and allows me the welcome distraction of many opportunity to help them. I have read a lot growing up as a home-schooled pentecostal girl and I focused on reading the classics and ensuring I had a well rounded and classical education. In all the reading I have done and the short life I have lived the only thing that I have ever seen that you can truly leave behind is kindess for both yourself and others. And so with that in mind I try to stay aware of when I can do or be kind to both those I know and love and complete strangers.

My fiance is in my personal opinion one of the best people I know, not because he puts up with me (although that is a feat within its self) but because he is kind, loving, caring and strong, moral and decisive when it truly matters and makes me a better person just by having known him. Now I will happily admit I am biased but that does not make me blind and I see how few people have many of those quality's now a days, generally you see one or two but not that many in one person. Now before I continue on I want to say this is not a long worshipful article about my fiance but an description of the pillar he has been in my life. How through out all of my pivotal moments his companionship and guidance, opinion and strength have allowed me the freedom to make my own choices but the comfort of his experience and knowledge.

I believe with all my heart that if I had been left to my own devices it would have taken me twice as long or possibly never to reach the personal potential I have found within myself through his love and guidance. I rarely see the need to stop giving, and I love to help people but when I am all tapped out who will help me, who will be stronger than myself and gentler too? You know the answer and I do as well, I am a lucky girl and I promise you I do know that and constantly remind myself of my good fortune.

We stared dating young when I was 19 and there is an 13 year age gap as well. I have always been mature for my age and I have a need to mother everyone and rarely get taken care of in return. Now I am not complaining just explaining why this article needed to be written for myself as a ode to my rock and world, just in case for one moment I look away at all the distractions in life and forget how lucky and loved I am. Now it was a quick commitment within 2 month's of dating we were engaged and within 2 weeks of knowing each other we lived together and this did provide us with some interesting things to learn about one another. But knowing more about who we are fundamentally if we had gotten together any other way it wouldn't have been the same level of commitment on both sides that fostered the love and respect it has taken us to get this far.

Plenty of mistakes have been made and life has been lived and  moments treasured and a wonderful foundation for our relationship has emerged after our almost 3 years of hard work. I am at a starting point personally I need to get my mental health figured out and then focus on school but those challenges or any others ones that might surface are made easier by the fact I have someone to share my load and catch me when I fall. He has traversed the journey of school and now only has to find a stable position and then he can get certifications as he pleases. Family wise I have opted to move my parents in with us so I can take care of them better and ensure they have the best quality of life possible. We both want children and are ready whenever it happens and until then we will do our best to love and hold each other until death do us part.

But back to what I was saying, I am 23 and I need someone a very specific someone whom is already a fundamental part of my life & I cant say I know where  I would be without him and I am looking forwards to needing him and him needing me for a long, long time.

Just the way its supposed to be :) (at least for me)

So Fucking Tired - Oregon Ho!

I have been moving for the majority of today and have made real progress, my fiance also spoke to his friend who is beginning the process to purchase the home from us and provide us with a rather large cushion :) I am grateful I really am but moving is tiring and I have been feeling worse than usual lately and had to cancel my birthday celebration which I have been planning for over a month now and its super fucking disappointing.

I will be glad when its over and we are finally moved and settled in. I found out my cat of 12+ years will be put down tomorrow by my mother due to her being ill and not having a decent quality of life and my good friend is also having her dog whom she loves dearly put to sleep as well and so it is a day for mourning and throwing myself into packing rather than celebration and such. I am throwing copious amounts of crap out and will do the majority of the trash moving when my fiance is at work to spare him the burden of knowing just how much perfectly good crap is getting thrown away. I wish we had time and I had the energy to save it all but I dont and I cant afford a storage unit so we are doing the best we can.

Life will go on and things will get better when we leave this god forsaken state and get moved to a better place :)

Oregon here we come :)

Open Rope With Friends

Its been a full day starting with rope and ending with cuddles with my daddy and lots of time with friends between :) Ive had a blast, definitely got out of my comfort zone a little with the predicament bondage practice and I am grateful for the experience I look forwards to tying more under similar circumstances again. I got to tie 2 beautiful ladies and that went exceptionally well and celebrate a good friends birthday. I am looking forwards to some upcoming rope events and just cant get enough rope with friends :)

  

M: DownloadDynamite  -  R &P: TheRopeCharmer

      

  

 

  

The Photographs above are of my predicament bondage tie - M: DownloadDynamite - Time 4:30sec

   

M: SexyLilGingy - R & P: TheRopeCharmer - I loved this tie & it looked very beautiful on the model

I am off to bed and will begin packing again tomorrow :) 

Until then stay Madly Magical :) 

Birthday Pictures

Me & My new Stuffies 

Me 

My Stuffies - All roped and ready to cuddle 

Daddy's Little Birthday Girl

Today is my birthday and I am a lucky girl. From the moment the clock struck midnight my daddy has given me everything I want and need and I am so grateful.

To begin with we played and he gave me my birthday spankings over his knee with a few added on the end and it was possibly the sexyest thing ever (except for his hand around my throat). It was a first for both of us and it was everything I imagined and more. I have a huge age play fetish and the thought of any little girl bent over her daddy's knee with her ass in the air waiting to be spanked makes my panties very wet. Anyway moving on, he hurt my nipples as always which I love and teased me as well. Finally he choked me and included some light breath play, and it was amazing the high from relaxing and literally leaving my life in his hands is truly indescribable. He also used a move you would frequently see on UFC, where he wraps his arm around my throat it added a new level of intensity to our already charged power dynamic especially where breathplay and asphyxiation is involved. We finished the night by fucking my pussy until I couldn't move with my dildo on the stick (which I love) and then I enjoyed the high and peace of sub space.

I woke up the next day a little early and took a quick shower in preparation for the plans of the day. First off we were going to build-a-bear and I was getting a new stuffie with a recording of my daddy saying "good girl". Next we were running some errands and visiting family to drop off much over due mothers day gifts and pick up my birthday card. Visiting with the family was great and when I got home I got to spend some much needed time with my little bro and I have missed him so. I am hoping to spend the evening with my friend and we can be girly and bake together :)

My stuffies are wonderful I will get a few pics of the day up later, and I love the "good girl" feature and if I can I will take my stuffie everywhere. I got a cream and tan bear that look very vintage and a brown bunny that looks very cute and is ridiculously soft, the bear has a more velvet feel.

I also got to buy some cupcake ingredients to make and decorate for a friend tomorrow it is his birthday and we are surprising him. I'm making chocolate cupcakes with zombie brain decor and I cant wait, I also got a few other varieties that I am sure will be yummy too. Cupcakes are another of my great loves :)

I recently got a rainbow of colored rope in and they also sent me a few smaller pieces of some beautiful green pieces as well and I have used them to tie my new stuffies :)

I am off to relax and chill a little, all the getting out has exhausted me and I have to plan for rope tomorrow as well, I will be tieing 2 people and that will be both exhilarating and taxing as well.

Today has truly been madly magical and I have my daddy to thank for that Hugzzz baby I love and appreciate you so much :)

My Circle of Life

Its been a draining day to say the least, I left my safe and comfortable home today to attend my local open rope group. I love rope and I love attending open rope and if there was a way to get straight from my home to open rope that would be fine but alas there is not and the driving and the heat is what takes so much because it makes me feel so suffocated and compressed. Rope went well I tied a beautiful friend of mine who shares my passion for rope for many of the same reason I do and that shared passion makes for very beautiful rope art. I tied a mermaid outfit and she loved it and it turned out quite well despite there being a sad lack of symmetry, I was trying to not drag the tie out to long and be aware of my lovely models time and needs as well as keep my mental state under control it was very rewarding but especially tiring.

My fiance came with me and drove me and that made it a little easier having him there but I was still glad to arrive home and to know I would not have to leave for a good while, A big part of my panic attacks is perceived expectations and pressure and then the depression in between the panic attacks is extraordinarily debilitating. I will be glad when I get my new dyed hemp rope in and I can do more color combos and I enjoyed the tan,teal and purple combo I did today.

We ate after rope and the food was good and then I went to a friends house to get some bamboo he had cut for me to dry and finish the ends for my rope work. When I got home my cat wanted my attention and so I petted him a little and I have a few events coming up soon that I will hopefully be able to leave the house for.

My life right this moment is down to the bare basics, those I love, my rope work and my crazy and thats is my current circle of life.

I am looking forwards to adding more things eventually when I am in a better place and have help with my mental health but until them my only goal is to get by and stay present and in one piece preferably breathing as well.

Why Lie.....

Perception, its a funny thing so innocent but so dangerous, capable of tricking you into destroying yourself and then defeating the greatest enemies all in the same breath. Life, is even worse although I found life is very black and white, when it rains it pours and when things are good you just cant imagine them getting any better but they do until everything falls apart and then you're screwed until the world rights itself again for whatever reason.

My head is a scary place, capable of being everything you have ever wanted, at the height of pleasure and arousal and then in one split second it is all gone and you are in the midst of either hell or nothing. I prefer the hell honestly at least I can feel something but the nothing well that's just a blanket of silence and terror that continually envelopes me. I escape for brief moments when I am distracted enough to forget the prison my mind has bound me too but there is always a moment where I stop and realize its still here and I was just pretending all along to be okay because me and my mind are at war and I am losing very quickly. 

I asked for a truce and tried to see when all this would be over and got the door of my own mind slammed in my face, I tried some medication and it kept me from hell but never affected the prison where my mind exist devoid of any emotion other than sadness and fear. I try from time to time to fix myself and there have been times I can patch it up enough to help someone in my life for a brief moment but never to much longer and then it all goes and falls back into place. I cant help but think "what if this never ends" "what if I am destine to spend the rest of my life like this?" and the echo that follows those thoughts that all but guarantees it terrifies me. 

Its is so frustrating.

Why is my own mind my enemy, taking my ability to enjoy what small things I have left in life to enjoy, taking away my ability to work and function on society like a normal human being and if I am not careful it will take my rope from me and perhaps even the ones I love. I wouldn't blame them who wants to spend an indefinite amount of time trying to love and support someone who may never get better, I myself cant even say in there shoe's I would stick around for long to help myself. 

At times like these I simply long for relief I watch and read anything that distracts me from my cell within my mind, this is the worst mental breakdown I have ever experienced in my thus far and I am not coping well. I have rope though and I hold onto the hope it can help me survive this experience until I can somewhere to get better. 

If I stop and examine my life, it gets worse, the voices speak up and remind me of how much I do wrong and fuck up or that I am not doing at all, like cleaning the house or working a job. Or being more healthy and to stop gaining weight from stress eating that never makes me feel better for more than an instant, but oh that instant its worth it. 

Anyway I am making all this worse by writing about it, I had thought it might help but alas it did not so in conclusion my dear reader I say goodbye and may your mind be kinder to you than mine is to me.

Hello World

I have started many blogs over these past few years and used various names and such but I never quite follow through and share my thoughts like I intended to when I created the blog in the first place. That is a shame because writing and sharing my thoughts makes me happy and so I will ensure this blog survives where others have fallen. I am 22 years old and will be turning 23 in a few weeks and I am  unbelievably blessed with not only a wonderful partner but great friends and family and hobbies as well. I have a lovely cat (I will write about him quite often) his name is Cartman and he is my fur baby until my human child comes along but he will always be my baby and he is a wonderful cat and I couldn't ask for a better pet and cuddle buddy. 

My job at this moment is not a bad job, it definitely could be worse but its not my favorite by far either. I am however grateful for a job so that I can try to pay off some portion of the debt I have accumulated with my sad lack of self control. Now don't get me wrong its not all my fault but I am making it harder to pay off since I add to it from time to time but I am getting better I promise, I am definitely trying. 

I need to be packing but I am procrastinating for today, I really want to rope. I have a wonderful hobby more commonly know as Shibari or Kinbaku its essentially using rope both artistically and to bind on people. I love rope, both when I tie others and myself. I have recently realized I can tie a small portion of my projects on myself and enjoy the duality of being both the top and the bottom and simultaneously experiencing both sides of the coin. 

I am engaged to a wonderful man, we have been together for a little over 2.5 years now and are looking forwards to being old and grumpy together. He is a wonderful husband, friend and lover as well as my daddy when life becomes to much and I need to lose myself in someone. He gives so much without hesitation and ask nothing in return, and he loves with his big heart and it makes so many peoples lives better. i wish he could just see for a moment what a blessing he is to everyone's life he touches. I cannot wait to marry him but we are waiting on a lot of life crap to work itself out ;)

I'm not going to waste space on all the crap that needs to resolve itself because I know it will eventually and there isnt much I can do until then. But I will focus on the good things I have around me and appreciate and hold onto to them while I can. 

I am definitely not an easy person to love, or live with. I am absolutely crazy, OCD, I can be very childish, I rarely take care of myself, I am very dramatic and nosy but I have a heart the size of Texas. I am black or white no grey or in between either I am the happiest girl on the planet or I want to die (figuratively). I would give my life for those I love in an instant and know they would do the same and my only goal in life is to leave the world a little better than I found it, if I can accomplish that then I will die a happy girl. I value honesty and loyalty more than anything and always try to treat others like I would like to be treated. 

I must say my cup truly runneth over and I pray I will never take it for granted.