Rollercoaster Ride

Life has been a roller coaster albeit a particularly high one a roller-coaster none the less. We never heard from the guy who lived at the house my daddy finally sold and we paid off all our credit cards and have over a 1000 put away for gas and hotels also. Today we planned out the route and I have been feeling horrible lately due to having a infection that im taking strong antibacterial meds for and possibly being close to starting my period which I am not looking forwards to either. I also made a list of what needs to be done to get my daddy car sold and a new one bought so like I said some good thing happen. I however always feel bad, my health is slowly getting worse and the depression is always just waiting for me to fall apart to permeate every inch of my being. I had my two good friends recently have a bump and that added to my stress a little, but not seeing them in forever gives me a weird prospective too. On a upwards note WA feels real, we decided on Vancouver area since we have not only lived there before but know that we can get by there for sure no problem. I finished a book I grabbed from dollar tree which was actually quite sad and depressing and ended rather abruptly, rather like a can of worms you know cant be good but is so much worse than you expected and that certainly doesn't help things. I dont know what daddy thinks of me, the medicine I take makes me nauseates and the pot makes me feel better but makes me more blunt and considerably more quite as well. I got my bamboo cut and im glad not sure what to do about it now honestly im not quite up to tying with it since I am so out of practice as well. I intend to get back to reading about rope soon too right after I finish my book that im reading along with so many other lovely ladies called dietland and its been interesting to say the least so far, it still feels like im looking through a twisted lens not just at the book but at life like everything is just off some how. I cant place or really explain it but it bothers me. I am sick of being unwell I cant wait to get help and get better whatever that means. I want to work on anal training and sexy time and play but all my body and mind does is betray me and make it possible to enjoy the one thing that works best and thats sex. I find all I want is gentle touches and lots of love, I feel as though I am about to break into a million pieces at just the slightest provocation and then right there waiting is my worst nightmare - my depression will resume where it left off slowly destroying my life.