Inside Out

Sometimes my inner dialogue with myself is quite helpful and at other times like now it just makes things even more complicated. Now for a little back story I have many good qualities however I am about to highlight a few of my lesser qualities but I do this not out of dislike for myself but to provide an accurate backstory to my readers. Now when me and my fiance had met it was via a fetish website and then we fell in love but throughout that we tried to kink and at times it was spectacular and more often than not my obsessive nature made it into a chore which went badly. Now it wasn't a matter of me constantly asking it was more like me obsessing every day and when I couldn't play or get the feedback I needed to continue I would fall apart and make it this big ordeal and never for one second considered the damage I was doing. Another aspect was that me and my fiance approach our sexuality and how we express both our needs and ideas very differently and that created some misunderstanding as well. Long story short it caused a lot of fights and negativity and ultimately we have abandoned our original roles (I am not complaining) but it might would have gone smoother and been an easier ending if I would have taken it easy.

Anywhoo we had a sexy time gone wrong the other night and it put me in a weird but familiar headspace and I realized I had made just regular, yummy sexy time into a chore and instead of it being natural and organic it was forced because my fiance wants to make sure all my needs are met and im happy but it is not when or how he would do it. Now there are always other factors involved and headspace for both of us was off and it was no ones fault but afterwards when we were cuddling I was faced with the dilemma of, I am still horny but would it be rude, selfish and/or hurtful to ask for orgasms? And so I kept quite and just kept my feelings and such to myself and tried to turn my physical response to my daddy off. Now I spoke to him earlier about this particular dilemma and he assured me if I would have asked then he would have been happy to give me orgasms but I never asked instead I pouted and I truly regret the way I handled the situation.

Now tonight I had stayed up till about 1pm and then went to sleep until about 7pm (I know weird hours right?) but eventually after playing and spending time together I as usual wanted sexy time but instead of verbalizing my needs like an adult and understanding that it might take a moment but my daddy will take care of them when he can and sees fit. I once again took the high road and pouted and while holding all those feelings in I was struck with how familiar this feeling was and was forced to ask myself. Am I doing this to myself? and if so Am I making myself into the victim and even behaving selfishly and possibly risking ruining one of the important parts of a healthy relationship? and so after having that conversation with myself I realized it is possible and so I need to be more aware and adult like with the way I deal with my emotions and such.

I did speak up and I got my orgasms and I was quite happy and wore my daddy's arm out. Ultimately I am glad I have cultivated an inner dialogue and I am also glad to see there are some things about myself I can improve without hurting anyone I love beyond repair before realizing what I am doing that is not fair or caring.

On another note I had open rope today and had even made cupcakes and than everyone canceled and I did not go. I am still very sad about it, I miss rope very much and will have to find someone to tie more often because this is not working for me whatsoever. Plus I will be missing rope next week as well so for the entire month of July I will not have attending a single open rope and that breaks my heart. My very soul longs for the magic of my creativity combined with rope and a willing canvas and the journey we all take as everything falls into place and the world as we know it ceases to exist.